You left today.
Like rivers flowing backwards.
The paths and waterways connecting us,
however small and insignificant,
carried pain instead of love.
January 1, 2019; Tuesday.
Happy New Year to us.
We were on our way for a brunch gathering with Akmal's friends when I received the phone call from my big sister with an information that I refused to accept. "Hospital has called and asked all family members to gather at the hospital ASAP" Usually, this kind of message doesn't give you any hope anymore and so we cancelled our appointment; dropped my son; Emran at my in-laws and headed to Sungai Buloh Hospital immediately. Kakak (my big sister) was on her way from Kuantan visiting my niece headed back to Kuala Lumpur immediately too.
Papa's lung has another tissue growth inside that was blocking the oxygen airways and it has reached the Doctor's ceiling of therapy to do anything more on him. What was that even meant? Akmal said it has reach to the point where it will be useless for them to do anymore further treatment. I sat and remained silent. As for now, the Doctor and his team can only monitor his condition for another 24 hours.
The visiting hour has ended; Akmal and I went home to get Emran and had some small dinner with his family that night.
January 2, 2019; Wednesday.
It was your birthday which we didn't even get to celebrate because you were still in the ICU. I took a day off from work and visited you; hoping that you will be awake from your sleep/rest but you didn't. You looked painfully asleep and I hope you got to hear that we came to wish you on your birthday.
The team has stopped the sedation on you at 10 am and your heartbeat and blood pressure dropped to 40 reading. I realised that they put the emergency automatic external Defibrillator right next to your bed in case they need to use it. (you know the condition has worsen when they parked that Defibrillator next to a patient) I got even more worried and tak sedap hati.
And so I left after the visiting hour has ended and came home to Emran.
January 3, 2019; Thursday.
Initially I didn't plan to visit Papa at the hospital as it was getting tiring and all. I was at my Yoga practice that evening when Kakak called me a few times. I picked up the call and rushed to the hospital straight. Almost everyone is there just in time for the counselling by the team. The Doctor in charged explained that Papa's condition is now critical and relying to the oxygen machine with 100% support. Both of his lungs are totally failing one by one. What does this mean? Are you implying that there is no more hope for Papa to live on and what we can do now is sit down, gather everyone and pray because it might be our last moments with him. My brothers and sisters have called all extended family members to gather at the hospital tonight. There won't be any visiting hours for us. We can be there as late as we wanted.
After Isya' and late night, Akmal and I went home straight because it was very late and we didn't pick up Emran from TTDI. My Mother In Law said it is better for Emran to be with her tonight in case there is any emergency where we need to go to the hospital in rush. And so, i slept and cried in Akmal's arms tonight.
January 4, 2019; Friday.
We meet up with Emran first at TTDI and he seems well and alright. What a good boy; well-behaved with his Grandma. We love you baby. We are so sorry we can't be with you all the time for now.
During the afternoon, my big brother whatsapped us; the siblings to come to the hospital immediately because Papa's condition is currently unpredictable so it's good for us to be there near to him.
And so we reached the hospital. Papa's reading is now Heartbeat 54, Blood Pressure 46.
He has respiratory failure, cardiovascular failure and renal failure. Everything seems to failing one by one. Oh Papa. What should I do? I was not ready at all for the worst.
At 5pm; Heartbeat 52, Blood Pressure 42.
At 6.47pm; Heartbeat 49, Blood Pressure 39.
His readings are all dropping within an hour.
I texted my Doctor friend; Carol Lee and gave her these reading.
She advised not to go home but stay at the hospital and next to Papa for the last moments. Yes, he is leaving anytime soon. It is now depending on his hope, strengths and Allah's fate.
Mama was about to leave the hospital because she wants to go home and took some bath and rest sekejap and come back later. But I stopped her and said; it's better for her to go see Papa inside first and ask the nurses is it okay for them to go home and all.
and so, Kakak and Mama went inside.
The nurse advised to stay.
Everyone stay.
We called my big brother and sister to come back (which they have left earlier).
And the siblings that are still at the hospital, went inside and gather next to Papa.
It is time.
Mama sat next to Papa holding his hand while reciting Yassin.
I just can't stop looking at his reading.
And Akmal told me to stop looking at the reading and focus to Papa's face instead.
I was stunt and speechless. I continued to read my Yassin. I whispered to Papa's ear,
Kalau Papa dah penat nak lawan, pergilah Papa. Nisa and adik beradik yang lain akan jaga Mama. Nisa tak nak tengok Papa terseksa macam ni lagi nak lawan semuanya. Go Papa, with peace. NIsa sayang Papa.
8.20 pm : Papa took his last breathe and went home forever. Lan reached the hospital just in time before Papa took his last breathe but Hajar didn't make it. She was heavily pregnant at her 38 weeks and was on a wheel chair when she entered the room; where Papa has already gone. After like 10 minutes the moment has passed; only I registered in my mind that Papa is no longer here. I was there standing and leaning to the wall watching Papa's body and cry; finally. Everything seems so clear now. I have lost my Papa and I only spent 30 years with him and he didn't even got the chance to watch Emran grows and to witness Hajar's new baby. He is no more here with us and Mama will be left alone without her Imam, her companion. What should we do? How should we face all this? I just can't.
Goodbye Papa,
and Thank You for all these 30 years together with you.
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